Sunday, June 19, 2011

2nd father's day...

..without me daddy here. last year (the first one without him) i was with my sister, who had a completely  different relationship with our dad than i did, but it was good to be with family nonetheless. it was hard cause she didnt know him like i did, and to be honest i was angry he wasnt there for me to celebrate him. (for those of you reading this that dont know, my dad passed away may 4, 2010) Last year i was distracted (probably subconsciously on purpose since part of the grieving process is denial) and trying not to think about that father's day being different, and every father's day from then on. i remember shopping with jessica and store clerks asking if i was shopping for father's day. i wanted to be mad but they didnt know, so id just politely say 'no'. it was hard, im not gonna lie and say that death is an easy thing because you cant possibly describe it, nobody knows until they go through it themselves and i dont wish that on anyone. but the point of this post is not death! its remembering him how i knew him; as my daddy :)
now he and my mom did not have the best relationship that i knew of but every father's day when i was younger she would help me make a t-shirt and cookies for him. the t-shirt had my handprint traced in puff-paint on the front and my footprint on the back. i made cards for him a lot of the time and when he passed, in his belongings was a binder of the most random crap i made him haha i love that he appreciated the little things i did and the time we spent together. i didnt have a perfect childhood (then again who actually does?) but on the days that i got to see him he would take me to thrifty's for an ice cream, or we would 'cruise' in his car, we would eat whatever i wanted (which i can probably attribute to my chubby years as a kid lol), he would tell me crazy stories of his childhood in hawaii with his 10 siblings, we would watch planes land and take off on the shore of the bay, and not to mention he taught me innumerable life lessons that i cant forget. I thought he was the funniest and most knowledgeable dad in the world. as i grew older i learned to appreciate him more, and i came to realize how many sacrifices parents make for their kids. of course all the memories i keep of him are not perfect, but i choose to remember the positive ones of good times to make the loss a lot easier. 
the last few years of his life i seem to remember more clearly, but looking back on the past few years i see him soften up (just a little, he still downplayed the whole heart attack thing when i was on the phone with him) and be more open with himself and loving the people around him. i love hearing how other people knew him as well. the most meaningful thing to me is that my last phone conversation with him, i felt prompted to tell him that i loved him (which i didnt do too often). its amazing how those little words can mean so much to someone when they have truth behind them. 
so all in all happy father's day to all dad's out there, and especially to mine in memory "a hui hou" <3

Monday, June 13, 2011

nostalgia is my favorite word

nostalgia: a longing or wistful affection for the past, typically for a period or place with happy personal associations
it just encompasses everything when i think back to simpler times and happier days.
i miss the days spent at gram's eating oranges from the orange tree in the back that grandpa would peel for me.
i miss driving around in dad's old mustang listening to music that i probably shouldn't have at that age and getting ice cream from thrifty's for 25 cents.
i miss going for walks late on a summer night when it was still warm and all the neighbors were out, and the blow up pool in the backyard was warm from being in the sun all day.
i miss mom and i going on a day-cation to all the cool places in reach in the bay area. i miss swimming and swim meets where we'd all lay around waiting for the next event.
i miss the things friends and would do in high school like hang out at someone's house, go to jack in the box at 4 in the morning, make and watch stupid videos.
the list goes on.. 
but from all these memories come motivation to make life enjoyable so that in the future i can look back with nostalgia on these times. and while a lot of the people i grew up with are gone and moved on, passed on, or we have just lost touch, they remain in my mind and continuously teach me to remember the good things because nobody wants to dwell on the not-so-great times. nostalgia to me is not a sadness or wishing i could go back; rather it is remembering all the good things in my life so far.