Sunday, June 19, 2011

2nd father's day...

..without me daddy here. last year (the first one without him) i was with my sister, who had a completely  different relationship with our dad than i did, but it was good to be with family nonetheless. it was hard cause she didnt know him like i did, and to be honest i was angry he wasnt there for me to celebrate him. (for those of you reading this that dont know, my dad passed away may 4, 2010) Last year i was distracted (probably subconsciously on purpose since part of the grieving process is denial) and trying not to think about that father's day being different, and every father's day from then on. i remember shopping with jessica and store clerks asking if i was shopping for father's day. i wanted to be mad but they didnt know, so id just politely say 'no'. it was hard, im not gonna lie and say that death is an easy thing because you cant possibly describe it, nobody knows until they go through it themselves and i dont wish that on anyone. but the point of this post is not death! its remembering him how i knew him; as my daddy :)
now he and my mom did not have the best relationship that i knew of but every father's day when i was younger she would help me make a t-shirt and cookies for him. the t-shirt had my handprint traced in puff-paint on the front and my footprint on the back. i made cards for him a lot of the time and when he passed, in his belongings was a binder of the most random crap i made him haha i love that he appreciated the little things i did and the time we spent together. i didnt have a perfect childhood (then again who actually does?) but on the days that i got to see him he would take me to thrifty's for an ice cream, or we would 'cruise' in his car, we would eat whatever i wanted (which i can probably attribute to my chubby years as a kid lol), he would tell me crazy stories of his childhood in hawaii with his 10 siblings, we would watch planes land and take off on the shore of the bay, and not to mention he taught me innumerable life lessons that i cant forget. I thought he was the funniest and most knowledgeable dad in the world. as i grew older i learned to appreciate him more, and i came to realize how many sacrifices parents make for their kids. of course all the memories i keep of him are not perfect, but i choose to remember the positive ones of good times to make the loss a lot easier. 
the last few years of his life i seem to remember more clearly, but looking back on the past few years i see him soften up (just a little, he still downplayed the whole heart attack thing when i was on the phone with him) and be more open with himself and loving the people around him. i love hearing how other people knew him as well. the most meaningful thing to me is that my last phone conversation with him, i felt prompted to tell him that i loved him (which i didnt do too often). its amazing how those little words can mean so much to someone when they have truth behind them. 
so all in all happy father's day to all dad's out there, and especially to mine in memory "a hui hou" <3

3 comments:

  1. Great post! You are in my thoughts this weekend.

    ReplyDelete
  2. So sweet Nicola! And I loved the part about thriftys ice cream we used to do that with my mom!!!! -jessica

    ReplyDelete
  3. Beautiful. Honest. Perfect picture. Love you.

    ReplyDelete